Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Death of English, Pt I

Let's face it, English is a dying language, especially in the States where it suffers the slings and arrows of prose that is both tortured and tortuous. In an effort to sound oh-so-important, too many writers make verbs of nouns (I will partner with him...), adopt words and phrases that mean nothing, but "sound good" ("crosswalk", "airlift", "stand up", "ready-mode posture"), and take glee in writing in the style of this paragraph from The Oregon Health And Science University which I recently came across:

"Third generation strategy maps have been designed to overcome the limitations that have made balanced scorecards notoriously difficult to implement...The strategy map begins with a strategic goal, is followed immediately with a strategic value proposition and ends with a cause and effect systems diagram that outlines what needs to be done to achieve results."

I'm none to sure what that means, but to prove that meaning is irrelevant to writing such glittering gibberish, I have crafted the following from a pre-modern data source and applied the paradigm of post-modernistic information dissemination:

Upon the incipience of the temporal dimension a deific potency incepted the differentiation between the celestial and terrestrial planes.

However, the terrestrial plane was a vacuous paradigm devoid of structural expanse as a state of nonluminosity was superimposed upon the veneer of the chasmic substrate. Thus the non-corporeal synergy of the deific potency kineticized itself over the obverse plane of the accretion of hydrogen dioxide-based molecular cumuli.

The deific potency then undertook the initiation of a verbalized communicative strategy and noted that a systematic arrangement of luminosity needed to attain successful implementation.

Upon visual inspection of this systemic arrangement the deific potency percepted that it was of beneficence and implemented bifurcative dissimilation of luminosity and non-luminosity.

Thus the deific potency designated the luminosity to be a diurnal half-epoch of a durational length approximating a 12:1 structured schedule and the non-luminosity to be a nocturnal half-epoch of similar durational structure. The two half-epochal periods were agglomerated into the initial comprehensive epoch representing the successful fulfillment of both half-epochs.

Uggh. As Aeschylus once said, "A great ox stands on my tongue."


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