Saturday, June 29, 2013

King of the Dill ... ... weeds

SSteve King, Congressional representative from Iowa, really scares me.  Sure, some (many) of his quotes are (unintentionally) funny, but many border on the schizophrenic.  Hell, I’d really like to send him a bottle of Haldol and sixty syringes of Thorazine, but I can’t…so I won’t.  What I can do though, is share his lunacy with you…with commentary, of course (he's in blue, I'm in red, just to flip the accepted and expected colour scheme).

 “But I guess I’m short and fat is what I am. So I’m safe in San Francisco.” …  Dude, you’re safe in the biggest whorehouse in the red-light district of Hamburg.

“If there is a sexual predator out there who has impregnated a young girl. Say a thirteen year old girl; and it happens in America more times than you and I would like to think. That sexual predator could pick that girl up off the playground at the middle school and haul her across the state line and force her to get an abortion to irradiate the evidence of his crime and bring her back and drop her off at the swing set and that’s not against the law in the United States of America.” … Can you say "Mann Act"?  And it’s eradicate you asshole (shame you weren’t in utero).

“Just gigged another mole. Tools: garden hose & gig. Water runs down hill. Moles can’t hold their breath long.”    Hell, I’m surprised you even know how to breathe.

“Unicorns, leprechauns, gay marriages in Iowa — these are all things you will never find because they don’t exist.” … Nor, I’m guessing, could we find an Iowan congressman with a brain.

 “Put newspapers in your car (windows) to get more privacy.”  …  Uh, yeah…uh…I always do that – especially when I’m driving.  WTF????  (Ooh, I'd better wrap my cellphone in aluminum foil to protect me from the NSA -- well, it makes as much sense).

“It turns out to be the best vote that I cast, was my “no” vote to the $51.5 billion to Hurricane Katrina. That probably was my best vote.” Words of advice: stay out of New Orleans, dat dere voodoo be some powerful shit.

“We could also electrify this wire with the kind of current that would not kill somebody, but it would simply be a discouragement for them to be fooling around with it. We do that with livestock all the time.” … Pass me the cattle prod.

 “You cannot take a chance with life anymore than you can shoot a gun into a crowded room and take a chance that you might not kill somebody. You cannot guess about when life begins.”  … I’m guessing both brain cells misfired, right?

“Eskimos got along all these centuries without fruit and vegetables.” WTF???  Fine, fine…pass me the baked seal and seaweed platter next.  Sigh.

“Babies born in America now owe the federal government $44,231 each.” Uh, OK….???  And you get to vote on appropriations?  Oh, hell No!  Nooooooo!!!!!!

“In fact, if you want to argue that you really don’t know – that it might be first, second or third trimester or viability – tell me: If someone were to walk down this hallway and stick a gun in the door, turn their head away from the gun and pull the trigger and run out the door and we catch him out there, did he kill somebody or didn’t he?” … No, there is abso-fucking-lutely no way you are paraphrasing Schroedinger.  (No, not the piano kid from Peanuts.)

“So we just asked them, under oath, “are you a vegetarian?” And they confessed they were vegetarians, all of them. Well there they are with an agenda for our diets…I eat recycled, concentrated, enhanced vegetables in the form of meat.” … Confessed?  Confessed?  Yes, I too have been responsible for the death of plants and their offspring. Mea culpa, domine rex.

“If someone is insulted by that, I don’t know that they belong in this country. Jesus talked about animals and compared people to animals. I’m Catholic, my bishop is my shepherd and we are his sheep.”  … Rrrriiigghhhttt...I’ll bet Rick Santorum liked this one.

And, as if all of the above were not enough, we have this gem:

“Mid day, mid blizzard, 15 degrees, Crazy Raccoon chewing and clawing his way into my house. Desert Eagle 1, Crazy Raccoon zero.”

Now that is scary.  ‘Nuff said?


Post a Comment

<< Home